As you and your loved one consider making a bigger commitment you should ask if you want traditional marriage or a spiritual union. From a heavenly perspective, both are the same. A commitment to love, honor and cherish each other faithfully for the rest of your lives.

What God has joined no man should separate. The ceremonies look the same too, but by law they are different.

The spiritual union is stating your commitment and love towards each other but there is no marriage license and you are still considered single in the eyes of the state. It is a marriage in heaven as opposed to one on earth… I believe it is a viable and recommended option for

1) Couples who are before the age of 28 (when we get our final adult brains) who have no children.  Convert to a marriage when you have your first child or after you have been together for ten years.  Many decisions made with our young adult brain (ages 10-27) are not sustainable in our later years.  Remember ‘death do us part’ years ago didn’t mean very much past 40.

I can speak as one who was married young, divorcing around the time the adult brain kicked in.  I was taught marriage is going to be utopia a goal to shoot for, only to  see that marriage was much more than playing house…

2) Couples with pre-established families if you are trying to keep the families separate… This is more of a financial factor with considerations of inheritances, taxes, alimony, ramifications on the kid’s financial aids if your kids are or soon to be of college age… and of course there is the issue of family health insurance to factor in…

How each of these things are going to be handled either way, should be discussed before the wedding if you haven’t already.

Let’s face it, we are a marriage minded society- there are not only financial benefits to being married, but a wedding and mating up is one of the ritualistic steps in our lives often marking the point when a child is now ready to enter the adult world.

Being single in our society is often equated being second to those who are married. Thus part of the issue of divorce and broken families is just the root issue of making marriage such an important standing that people desire to enter into marriage.

Quite often times marriage is a romantic step of the heart that carries many implied legal and financial contracts with it.

As an example, not to be morbid, but I know several cases where this has happened in older adults.  You get married and die the next week- by PA state law if there is no will stating otherwise,  your spouse receives everything in joint name but also those things only in your name she gets 50% and your children share the other 50%.   This includes things like  house/car/bank account and such items which don’t have specific asset distribution rules.  Many older couples want their children to inherit all their assets and the children are now left to contend with the new spouse.

The spiritual union has no legal or financial contract… While it is a contract in heaven and a commitment to each other, to all the earthly institutions you are just friends living under the same roof.  Anything you want to share such as a car or house you put in both your names. You need to talk to an accountant on how that factors into things like the kid’s financial aid  for those of you who have college bound children.

I know you aren’t thinking about divorce, but with today’s divorce rates being around the 50% mark; I think we need to reinvent our family relationships… There is huge heartache and this has a huge impact on the person’s well being.

I will be the first who admits I don’t know the answer, but the spiritual union may be an answer, not to be taken any less serious than a marriage, but it does not include the legal aspect of the marriage.

The celtics have a tradition on one of their holidays where a couple may get married for one year, if it doesn’t work out then during their holiday tradition the following year they separate and it is like the relationship never happened.  We need more of these serious betrothals where you are considered temporarily married until you decide to make it permanent.

There is a long way to go to figure out the solution, but maybe a temporary marriage license would work.  We have to renew all kinds of licenses for driving and such, why can’t we set our marriage at something similar???

It truly is difficult to know if this relationship is the true love that will last forever. I lived with my husband for several years before the wedding and things changed the day of the marriage. It is the difference between pursuit and possession.

Once you have what you want things change. This is true for human nature. Just think about the first car you bought, how much thought went into investigating different cars, working hard to get the right features at the right cost… How much time you spent saving up for the down payment, and the time you dreamt about being behind the wheel. The joy in the process of obtaining the object is so much greater than the joy of having the object.

You now have the car, the first thing that happens after the first couple of days of driving it is buyer’s remorse… did you spend too much money or could you have gotten a better deal? You actually see more data that you are concerned that should have went into your research. Did you get the right one? maybe you should have went with the red instead of the blue?

Eventually your heart settles and you have your car and for while you may enjoy it with your heart lifted everytime you see it saying wow, look what I’ve got… but I know for me that lasted about a week. After that it was another tool to get me to and fro work.

And then the problems start with the car, maintenance, stuck on the road because of a flat tire or a dead battery. Usually during these moments there is frustration that the car isn’t perfect and at some point you decided you want a new car or at least wish it was the way it was when it was new.

The same thing happens psychologically with any possession. The key to making your relationship last is to not be possessions of each other. Easier said than done.

I have couples do an exercise to change the romantic love (eros) relationship into a stronger bond of parent child and siblings. Looking at each other as parent child will help the two of you realize that your partner will sometimes need support of a parent and that you should be giving him love and slack as you would your child during those times. Looking at the relationship as is siblings for most of us will help us not possess the person, allowing them their own pursuit of happiness.

It is never easy, but knowing that the basic underlying psychological buyer’s remorse effect is happening during the first year of marriage when many divorces occur can help you survive that tenuous time and move into a more relaxed functional relationship.

Rev Bender

Modern scientific research indicates that the human race aren’t geese. We don’t mate for life, just for the time to get the kid out and get him safely walking- then the husband moves on, so they say we are about a four year relationship cycle if we were paying attention to the way we were made. ‘Until life do you part’ made more sense when most folks died in their 30’s and 40’s…or even earlier in childbirth. Now life is so extended, we as a human race have not changed our traditions to appropriately accommodate advances.

Ultimately you are taking a step of faith together and as long as the two of you keep each other in your hearts then it will work. When one partner starts to think there is something better then it breaks apart. What you can best do is love and enjoy each other every day as long as possible. There are some things that you can do to increase your chances of having a great long lasting relationship.

1. For those coming from other relationships, know it takes 25% of the time you were together to heal your heart. So if you were together for 8 years you shouldn’t be looking to date until 2 years. Dating in that time frame does not allow the heart to heal and you will be walking into your new relationship still broken.

2. Date each other for over a year to see the true colors. After a year infatuation wears off and the dating mask starts to lift so you can start seeing how your partner truly behaves in situations. During the first year there is a lot of fantasy for many people, dreaming of white picket fences and how wonderful things will be. You need to see the bad side too. If your mate is perfect with you having no frustrations about anything they do, then you are still not seeing them clearly.

If you have a list of things that they do that annoy the heck out of you and you can still live with it, then you have a better frame of mind to go forward.  Consider the scientific research that a relationship lasts for four years maybe we should date for that long before a marriage.

3. Have the right reason to marry. Marry because you love each other only… be totally honest with yourself. When you have another reason like ‘It is what we should do next.’, ‘People expect us to do this.’, ‘I want to get out of my current situation.’, ‘I’ve been so lonely.’, ‘He wants me to marry him quick.’ or ‘I want to have children.’ then you are setting yourself up for potential misery.

4. Don’t marry if you think you can change the person. A friend once told me that is the perfect relationship, that you find a great looking person, settle down and change each other. Key fact: you can never change anyone except yourself. If the person has an addiction or a major annoyance that you can not live with, don’t even attempt to marry.

5. Get your cords cut. We have spiritual cords tying us to all kinds of people and things. When you cut the spiritual cords you there is no longer influence from the items unless you choose to re-establish the cords. So definitely get the cords cut from your past loves, your parents and even your potential spouse. If there is a spiritual force of unfinished business driving you together then this will be completed and you can see objectively. Yes this is scary and some people find they have nothing of interest after the cords have been cut and end the relationship. It is better to do this before the wedding than after the wedding.

6. Go through couples pre-marital counseling where you look at various topics you will be facing while married like how to handle finances and how to deal with the kids, in-laws, holidays. These are major points in the marriage and if you want to give yourselves the best shot, do it.

Love and be kind to each other always.

Below are various ceremonies available for your big day.  You will see we are flexible. Rates are estimated based on reasonable commute and time.  Of course if you want a couple’s only ceremony on the beach at the Jersey Shore we would expect you to proved traveling costs.

Couples only ceremony ($100)

This ceremony is just for the couple who wants a private and personal event to treasure between themselves.  During this  simple service the couple share their promises to each other.

Spiritual Union convert to Marriage ($65, $40 if converted within a year of the Spiritual Union)

A variation on the Couple’s Only Option is a half hour meeting to convert a spiritual union to a marriage.   This option is available only to those who have had a spiritual union from Ancient Joy.

Elopement with guests ($150)